Sweetbippy

I saw a glimpse into my future today. It was sort of lonely and aimless. It will be that way unless I get on track and  Good thing we are able to change the future by our actions.
With the kids being gone at school for 6+ hours a day, my mothering duties have been given a reprieve. For that I am grateful. However, for 6+ hours a day, I get to find out what I like to do and what gives me pleasure while still balancing my family/mothering duties. That could be a challenge. Yesterday I didn’t know what I should do with my free time. Here I had time to do whatever I wanted (within reason) and I couldn’t think of anything! I felt lost trying to figure out what to do. Then all the worries, all the anxiety bubbled up to the surface last night, causing a mini breakdown after supper. I shared my fears with Jon about who I wanted to become as I worked on myself and new routines and how I am afraid to fail because I have so many times in the past.
I certainly have high standards for myself don’t I?! I tend to want to come out swinging, only to fall short of my goal before I even get there! It’s day two of EmptyNestFest 08 and I am still formulating a plan. Here is what I would like to do with my time. Now whether or not I will get all of those things done during the school year is another thing entirely!! But I will try and give it my best shot.

• Finish multiple creative/decorating projects that have been started and never finished like; painting the front door, redoing the tile in the entry, painting my bathroom, making new pillows with the pretty fabric I just bought, hanging the iron brackets I found at a salvage place, putting up the picture frame I got on clearance, painting multiple pieces of furniture, several scrapbook / art projects, and washing my white sofa slipcovers.
• Cleaning the house on a regular basis so it’s easier to keep up with and not a marathon session every time.
• Going to the gym 5 days a week.
• Re-decorating my master bedroom.
• Painting murals on the kids bedroom walls.
• Having lunch with my friends and Jon regularly.
• Having friends over to just hang out.
• Learn a new sport like tennis or racquet ball or a new hobby like ceramics or painting on canvas with oils.
• Practice my softball skills each week with Kim.
• Take a college class on art or admin skills.

A lot of these things cost money. Money of which we don’t have a lot of  because I am not working, so being on a budget is something to get use to as well. My goal is to save money while cooking at home so I can sneak in little projects here and there. It will take some time, but I will have that too, so I need to be patient with myself. Daily reminders that it’s only the beginning of my journey and I need to be gentle and kind to myself is something I would like to learn as well. All in all….it’s going to be a good year! It won’t be perfect, but that’s ok…I’m not, but Jesus is and through Him I can do all things! Can I get an Amen?!

Tonight I trusted myself and my team and I stepped out of the box as I gave my 100% best to play softball. This is an act of obedience for me because I would never just decide on a whim to start playing a sport, especially one I know little about. The only reason I agreed to come out to a practice once was because I was trying to prove to Kim that I sucked!! I didn’t actually suck and I think if I was lighter on my feet I would do darn well. Tonight I held my own. I watched the ball, stayed patient, and ended up being walked my first time at the plate. The second time at bat, I hit a grounder and ran as fast as I could, but didn’t make it to first. I was really ok with that because I gave it my all. I put forth everything I had, even when I didn’t think I had anything left to give. I am proud of myself. It makes me want to keep going so I can prove to myself that I am worth the effort. We all are worth the effort to make ourselves better, to challenge ourselves to become more than we think we can be. I saw my future again tonight. It was no less challenging, but it was one I worked hard at, achieving goals I didn’t think were possible, and finding the me I protected inside for so long. Good thing our futures aren’t set in stone, because mine just got brighter.

Today I sent my last child to school. Today Weatherford has seen it’s fourth Stueve come through it’s hallowed halls. I should be a mess. I should be a crying, sobbing, wracked shell of a Mother. Instead, I am sort of numb. I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel as ecstatic as I thought I would. As I drove home, I asked myself what the heck I would do today. I almost drew a blank. Almost. The other tasks that came to mind didn’t sound as appealing as I thought they would! Cleaning for 6 hours seemed a little extreme given the pain in my elbow and wrist, perhaps a previous cleaning injury? Who knows how I ended up with pain in my elbow this morning.

Jon and I didn’t get up as early as we had planned. I prepared ahead of time and cleaned up the kitchen to make it ready for a breakfast of eggs and toast. We got the eggs made, but no toast. The kids were all chomping at the bit to go to school. Michael was especially excited. He was up and dressed and ready to go before I was done brushing my teeth!

At the front door, we took our traditional first day of school pics. This time though, Michael wasn’t going to preschool, but elementary school.

When he got to his class, he didn’t have a name on a locker yet. He was a little disappointed when he didn’t the get the locker he originally picked at Meet the teacher night, so He picked a locker at the very end on the bottom. He pouted just a bit, but then quickly found his seat and seemed ready to start the day with his new friends.

Last night, Michael asked me in his sweet concerned little voice, “Mommy? What are you going to do when I am at school?” I said, “Lots of stuff!” He said back, “But you’ll be all alone!” I asked him, “Are you worried I’ll miss you and be lonely? Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll be just fine and so excited to see you again!!” He smiled and wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Gotta love that kid. He has spent the last 6 years with me all the time. I am going to miss him, but glad he gets to experience school like his brother and sisters. I can’t wait to hear how his new day was!

I’ve done it. I’m exhausted; spent. I’m finished with the Twilight Series. Finally.

Yet….I need more. I dreamt about what I read last night. I think I even recited a page, word for word sure that my body was processing what I read committing it to memory. It’s not that they are "fast read" books, quite the opposite, but something about them made me so eager for more that I couldn’t put them down. I had to know what would happen next, so I read and read until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

I’m not one to go online and search around for people to talk to about the books, to search for more information to keep the infatuation going. I’m surprised I did that this morning. So excited when I found a nugget of the next book Stephanie Meyer has waiting in the wings for her fans. I am one of them now. I can’t wait until the movie comes out and dare I say, I may just be one of the crazy people waiting in line on opening night thirsting for the tale to be relived again.

Now for more sleep…

Free Food Giveaway At Chipotle Mexican Grill

Hey Dishers, it’s almost tax-free weekend and this year sales tax isn’t the only thing that will be free–Chipotle Mexican Grill has a deal for you. (Jeezy Pete, I sound like Robert Wagner selling a reverse mortgage.) Here is all you have to do: eat at any DFW-area Chipotle on Tuesday, August 12, or Wednesday, August 13, and save the receipt. (For me that is the hard part.) Then go back any time on during tax-free weekend, August 15 – 17 and pickup a free burrito, salad, order of tacos or bowl with your receipt. With your leftover cash, you can consider a reverse mortgage but I suggest you stuff it in your mattress.

H/T http://sidedish.dmagazine.com

So today is the exchange the kids day. No, their lease isn’t up. Although if kids came with a red carpet lease, when they got to the moody teenager phase, we could just turn them in for a model that only spits up and doesn’t talk back! I jest!! No really, two come back from pre-teen camp and one went on a youth mission trip. The last but not least will go off for a few short hours to nature day camp. Needless to say, this weekend has been a whirlwind of laundry, cleaning, packing, more laundry, and lots of cooking. Oh, and throw in the buying of 2 TV’s and the taking back of one. I know, we’re crazy. I never said we weren’t certifiable!

Daughter #1 had a "party" with 3 of her friends. Let’s just say, they giggle A LOT! I surprised myself and didn’t do what I have done in the past, i.e. shush them all night long or retreat into my room. I was too busy cooking homemade stir-fry and hand rolled california sushi rolls!! I know, I’m crazy. Her friends weren’t adventurous as they claimed they would be if we had asian cuisine, but Lauren enjoyed it greatly! I did too, yum!

***CUT!!***

I had this post all planned out in my head yesterday and it sat there waiting to be finished, but duty called and I got to drive all over hither and yon and watch some kids. It didn’t get done, and now my thoughts are long gone. *sigh* I was so tired yesterday, I was ready to go to bed at 9pm! Unheard of for me unless I am ill or on pain meds. MJ was so tired after his nature camp, play at best friends house, then plan again at other friends house, that when we met Dad for dinner at Taco B, he laid down on the booth seat and fell asleep! I couldn’t wake him up no matter what I did, so Dad carried him to the car, he slept on the way home, then when we pulled in to the driveway, he woke up and demanded to know why we hadn’t stopped for dinner! I told him it was waiting for him but he fell asleep and he said "Yay!", then walked in the house and ended up falling into his bed and sleeping for another 1 and a half. He woke up just in time for us to want to go to bed. Hopefully today he’ll make it through dinner.

I am feeling better and almost back to my old self. That is if my old self was something I wanted to get back to. I would actually like to get to my new self where ever she is. Hopefully she’s in her clean house and surrounded by her polite lovely children. Her husband is cooking something that doesn’t involve the grill and/or pancakes and he picked up flowers on the way home from work.

I’m perfectly content in a foul sort of way to sit here in my dark room and avoid dealing with the world. More specifically dealing with my house. Once again I have fallen into a rut of not wanting to dive into the cleaning that has piled up. My excuses are many, and some of them are legit. They have all swirled together to make one ugly giant mess of anger at having to do a lot of it myself. So instead of chipping away at it, or killing myself by doing it in one long day of dread, I do what I do best. Nothing. It’s a talent I know.

Pep talks just make me cranky and “Rah rah GO!” just grates muh nerves.

So- I’m giving myself a deadline to sit here. I will be done being a hermit on July 27, 2010. No…just kidding. Tomorrow we go to a Roughriders game and in order to go, we are doing some work.

Don’t worry…these times don’t last long for me lately. I’m really ok. I promise.

Fifteen years ago today, I married the love of my life, my best friend.  Most everyone knows how we met, but for those of you just joining us here is our love story, Angie style.

In September 1991 I was living in San Diego and I joined a 32 line BBS called San Diego Connection (for those of you reading under the age of 20, that is Bulletin Board System, you know before the Internet WAS. Hard to believe, I know). Anyway, we were both members there and talked to lots of people before meeting each other. We most often would gather in a "room" and play Trivia with a group of people. In between questions, we would /p (private chat) each other. We seemed to hit it off fairly quickly and after a couple of months, decided to put faces to names and meet up one week.

I was nervous about meeting Jon. He was funny and witty online and I was intrigued by his Military career. I was taking a shower the night of the "meet", and the water in our building went out. You know those movies when someone is washing their hair and the water is cut off and they are left in the shower with soap in their hair and eyes? Yeah well, that was me. I wrapped my hair in a towel, soap and all, got dressed and went to my Mom’s office to use the sink in the bathroom there. Her office was my only source of computer time when I talked to Jon. Often I would go home after work, pack a brown sack lunch and go to the "Office" to chat and eat. After I washed my hair of the soap, I finished with my primping and headed over to the bar. I of course was very late, almost an hour I think. No cell phones or texting at this point, just waiting to see if someone shows or not. Luckily he stuck around long enough for me to get there. I sat at the bar with friend (drank a diet coke because I was not even 21 yet!) and waited. About 5 minutes later, Jon walked up to me and introduced himself. I apologized over and over and told him about my hair and why I was late. He listened and smiled and then he said, "I have to be to work really early in the morning and I have Duty tomorrow as well, so I have to go." And with that, we said our goodbyes, and he left. I don’t think he was there more than 10 minutes after I got there.
I thought for sure he was unimpressed with me and my tardiness and for goodness sake, I was wearing a black and white and red color blocked shirt that buttoned at the collar with black pants. It couldn’t have been more Kid N Play 1990 pseudo Hip-Hop than that! I shudder to think just how awful that looked. Oy.

I guess I impressed him enough that he asked me out on a real date after the New Year. He was away from the BBS for a couple of weeks and I was dating someone else briefly during the Holidays. He was up in Oregon for Christmas, while I spent time with a jerk that stood me up on New Year’s Eve, who I promptly dumped that night.

Jon asked me out to the movies. We planned on seeing JFK at Horton Plaza, Downtown SD. I even went out and bought myself some new threads for the date. Again I shudder at my choice. Was I trying to impress him?? Did I want a second date? By my choice, one would think HELL no! I wore a Purple and Fuchsia Tye-Dye shirt and matching fuchsia SWEAT pants. What was I thinking?? I know it was January 25, so it was chilly, it is California and all that, but sweat pants? I think I even had a leather jacket on as well. Jon wasn’t exactly in a tux either. He had on boat shoes, jeans, and a blue and yellow windbreaker with a t-shirt on underneath. We were both stylin’! And I in true Angie fashion, I was late. I started out great, plenty of time for the buying of the tickets, popcorn, drinks, and finding seats. Then I got lost. Downtown San Diego is a maze of one way streets and if you are not careful, you’ll end up in the industrial district near the convention center and no way to get back to where you need to be. Read: no cellphones or OnStar or Google Maps. I realized once I got there, that I drove past it several times, but there was construction going on around the entrance I was supposed to use, so I kept driving past it.

We missed our movie, so we decided to hang out and catch the next one, 3 hours later. We sat and talked for about an hour, asking each other questions, and enjoying great conversation. It was like I had known him forever and we picked up right where we left off before. My insides were going gooey and we hadn’t even finished our date yet! My gooey insides were getting hungry, so we walked around some looking for a place to grab a bite.  As we neared the end of the mall area, he grabbed my hand and we walked. It felt comfortable and right. I hoped he could be the one. Then we went to Taco Bell. The End.

Just kidding, it wasn’t the end. In fact, it was just the beginning! Jon stepped up to order and when he was finished, he paid. At first I was surprised that he didn’t pay for my dinner after all, he did ask me out. He didn’t buy my movie ticket either and I have since forgiven him for his blunder. Years later I discovered he wasn’t being a jerk, he was just broke. Good thing my Mom suggested I take $50 dollars with me that night! Turns out because we stayed so long to catch the movie, Jon almost didn’t make it out of the parking garage! He was 3 bucks short, but a kind person let him pass. It was probably because he or she saw the stars in his eyes after having just kissed his future wife.

Speaking of kisses. That night, not only did we decide we liked each other a lot, but when he asked to kiss me goodnight, (he asked! Most guys don’t, so I knew I had a winner here…) it was tender and sweet and made my toes curl. I knew this could go somewhere. A girl just knows.

The next day Jon called to ask me over to watch the superbowl game. I don’t watch football, but I wanted to see him again, so I agreed. I don’t remember who won the game, but I do know who won my heart. We have been together ever since and I am so glad I met him late that night. It was meant to be!

One year and 3 months later, Jon just having returned from a 6 month deployment, proposed to me at Seaport Village, just down the street from our apartment. He actually proposed via email one night after I got home from work, and I printed it out, but the dot matrix printer it was printed from has long since faded and become unreadable. I of course replied yes to the email that changed my life. I made him propose on one knee on the water soon after…the proper way!

Thank you honey for more than 15 years of happiness and unconditional love. I can’t wait for what the next 15 years will bring. I love you. Happy Anniversary.