Finding my purpose

I saw a glimpse into my future today. It was sort of lonely and aimless. It will be that way unless I get on track and  Good thing we are able to change the future by our actions.
With the kids being gone at school for 6+ hours a day, my mothering duties have been given a reprieve. For that I am grateful. However, for 6+ hours a day, I get to find out what I like to do and what gives me pleasure while still balancing my family/mothering duties. That could be a challenge. Yesterday I didn’t know what I should do with my free time. Here I had time to do whatever I wanted (within reason) and I couldn’t think of anything! I felt lost trying to figure out what to do. Then all the worries, all the anxiety bubbled up to the surface last night, causing a mini breakdown after supper. I shared my fears with Jon about who I wanted to become as I worked on myself and new routines and how I am afraid to fail because I have so many times in the past.
I certainly have high standards for myself don’t I?! I tend to want to come out swinging, only to fall short of my goal before I even get there! It’s day two of EmptyNestFest 08 and I am still formulating a plan. Here is what I would like to do with my time. Now whether or not I will get all of those things done during the school year is another thing entirely!! But I will try and give it my best shot.

• Finish multiple creative/decorating projects that have been started and never finished like; painting the front door, redoing the tile in the entry, painting my bathroom, making new pillows with the pretty fabric I just bought, hanging the iron brackets I found at a salvage place, putting up the picture frame I got on clearance, painting multiple pieces of furniture, several scrapbook / art projects, and washing my white sofa slipcovers.
• Cleaning the house on a regular basis so it’s easier to keep up with and not a marathon session every time.
• Going to the gym 5 days a week.
• Re-decorating my master bedroom.
• Painting murals on the kids bedroom walls.
• Having lunch with my friends and Jon regularly.
• Having friends over to just hang out.
• Learn a new sport like tennis or racquet ball or a new hobby like ceramics or painting on canvas with oils.
• Practice my softball skills each week with Kim.
• Take a college class on art or admin skills.

A lot of these things cost money. Money of which we don’t have a lot of  because I am not working, so being on a budget is something to get use to as well. My goal is to save money while cooking at home so I can sneak in little projects here and there. It will take some time, but I will have that too, so I need to be patient with myself. Daily reminders that it’s only the beginning of my journey and I need to be gentle and kind to myself is something I would like to learn as well. All in all….it’s going to be a good year! It won’t be perfect, but that’s ok…I’m not, but Jesus is and through Him I can do all things! Can I get an Amen?!

Tonight I trusted myself and my team and I stepped out of the box as I gave my 100% best to play softball. This is an act of obedience for me because I would never just decide on a whim to start playing a sport, especially one I know little about. The only reason I agreed to come out to a practice once was because I was trying to prove to Kim that I sucked!! I didn’t actually suck and I think if I was lighter on my feet I would do darn well. Tonight I held my own. I watched the ball, stayed patient, and ended up being walked my first time at the plate. The second time at bat, I hit a grounder and ran as fast as I could, but didn’t make it to first. I was really ok with that because I gave it my all. I put forth everything I had, even when I didn’t think I had anything left to give. I am proud of myself. It makes me want to keep going so I can prove to myself that I am worth the effort. We all are worth the effort to make ourselves better, to challenge ourselves to become more than we think we can be. I saw my future again tonight. It was no less challenging, but it was one I worked hard at, achieving goals I didn’t think were possible, and finding the me I protected inside for so long. Good thing our futures aren’t set in stone, because mine just got brighter.