Category: Pay attention to me…me me me…

I didn’t get the job. Part of me says oh well, and dang it, the other part is mad that I didn’t get it. Anyone know of any jobs for someone who is super talented at all the wrong things, the things that don’t get a person hired? Oy.

I’ll be in la la land eating triptophan and tuning out my kids. Happy Thanksgiving.

Ok, so I am one. I worry. Is that so bad? I seem to think I have a lot to worry about. I probably do. Not as much as some, but still…I have my issues.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since Sadie died. I have my moments and feel such sadness. I can’t even understand why I feel so sad. I guess I really opened my heart to her and it seems so unfair that all this even happened. I torture myself by looking for puppies. Their faces..I can’t resist. I KNOW it would be so the wrong time to get another dog right now. When is the right time? I don’t know until I guess it is.

On the job front: I didn’t even want one right now. They called me. I went in to interview on Friday and it seemed to go well, but I can’t really tell. I took the test they gave me and except for the weird number analogies I had to answer and the macros I didn’t know how to make on Word, I think I did ok. I don’t have a whole lot of confidence in myself, I wish I did. I could really use the extra income right now, but I don’t know that they want me. It seems like every job I wanted, i.e. Jefferson Pilot, Epic Homes, Mother’s Day Out; I either didn’t get, or they said I couldn’t grow with them, or the other person had more experience than me. I know that there is always someone else who has more experience than me. Whaaa..I know…I know…I’m whining. Cry me a river right??

Ok…then there is the volcanic zits of Mt. Pimpleus. Matching ones, on either side of my chin. I mean come on! Could my hormones be more cruel? I guess they could, but they couldn’t have come at a worse time. I have dinner theater in 3 weeks. There will still be red marks by then. Im talking these babies are huge. On is the size of a dime. I am not kidding. The other is size of a pea. I haven’t had some like that is ages. I thought at 33 almost 34 you didn’t get crater face zits anymore. I guess I was wrong!

On the health front, I am now taking a beta-blocker for high blood pressure. Me..high blood pressure. I would have never thought it. Now that I have stage 1 hypertension, I haven’t been feeling as well. Since I started taking them I have lost 6 lbs. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great! I could do without the upset stomach though. Every thing I eat gives me gas. It’s ridiculous! Then, I haven’t heard from our insurance company about my gastric bypass surgery. I mean come on! Should it take 41 days to review my case? What’s not to approve? I have high blood pressure, high body mass index, I weigh (cough, mumble) alot, I have sleep apnea, herniated disk, bad knees, and my feet are totally screwed up and hurt every single day. What the heck over? I tried to call today and when the healthcare stratigies person told me to call the actual insurance company and then transfered me, they closed at 4:30 EST! So frustrating.
Don’t even get me started on the money issues. They are always there. Can’t get around them except to get a job and stop spending money. Which only brings me back to the job thing. Which I don’t have yet.

It’s so late..I guess I should go to bed…feeling dizzy. Must Sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. G’night.

I hadn’t looked for a job, yet one kind of fell into my lap. On Monday, I got an email from the HR generalist from Staubach Retail and I was confused because I didn’t think my resume was still up on Monster since it has been 3 months since I looked for work. She said there was an Admin Asst. position in Addison and that she was interested in talking with me. I looked the company up and found a clerical job in McKinney open. I called ReCollections, a scrapbook store and asked about turning in the application I have had tucked away for a while, debating whether or not I should apply. They don’t pay as much as I would need, so I called Staubach instead. The HR gal said she was filling both positions and asked me to come in and interview. So I go on Friday. I am excited, because I enjoyed working last spring and wanted to continue, but things didn’t work out with any of the people I interviewed with.

Of course this means less time at home and MJ in full time care. But, it also means more income and something to get up and get dressed for every morning. I was actually more organized and productive at home when I worked full time than when I stayed home full time. I guess I do better having someone other than myself and Jon to answer to!
This also means, having nice clothes to wear and having my stuff clean, so I can have it at the ready….that is one thing I missed about working, getting to wear all my cute clothes that I was only wearing once a week to church.

Now..if we could only convince the husband I need a makeove and manicure and pedicure!

I will not be able to be entered in the NaBloMoPo’s list of people who blogged every single day during the month of Nov. I missed yesterday’s post. I was gone all day long and too tired to think about it when I finally did get home….at 9:30 at night. By the time I realized that I had missed yesterday, it was already 12:51am…crap. Oh well….I tried..I really did….
So? How are you? I’m pretty good I guess… still miss my dog, lots of work to do, job to apply for, sets to paint, and songs to memorize, but I know God doesn’t give me more than I can handle.
Speaking of God. Today at church our Pastor gave a sermon that really convicted me. It was about missions and how we reach out to the lost of this world for Chirst. He asked if we were witnessing to those that we come in contact with and tell them the good news that Jesus was sent here to earth to die for our sins and that he paid the sacrifice so we wouldn’t have to. On a scale of 1 to 10, as a witness for Christ, I am a -5. I haven’t witnessed to anyone other than kids at Vacation Bible school, and I certainly haven’t led anyone to salvation in the Lord.
All I kept saying to myself was, how can I lead anyone to know Jesus, if I feel unworthy and dead inside? How do I give people hope of an eternity spent with Jesus and a peace if I have trouble beieveing it myself? Every Christian asks themselves questions about not only their salvation, but how their faith is tested and what their purpose is. I have so much ugly junk inside my heart and head from years of pain and self abuse, even though I KNOW Jesus is my savior, I don’t share that with many poeple because I don’t feel worthy enough to do it. I still don’t fully get that I am worthy of God’s love, made in his image, and His precious child. How do you shine the light of God from your heart, if it’s all yucky and dim from all the garbage you keep bringing in? I don’t know the answer to that question. I’m still figuering it out. When I figure it out I will let you know…in the mean time.
Do you know Jesus? Do you want to know Jesus? Because He longs to know you. To let you know that there is a way, a thing to fill that empty space in your heart and life. His name is Jesus and as simple as it sounds, He wants to be the one you turn to and the one who holds you when you cry, in sorrow and in joy. He is the way….I know He is and I want to live my life like the song I sang this morning at the end of our service.

“This is my desire, to honor you.
Lord with all my heart I worship you.
All I have within me, I give you praise.
All that I adore is in you.
Every breath that I take, every moment I’m awake.
Lord have your way in me.”

I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the diet?
I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door

Eyes puffy and swollen, tossed and turned all night. Dreamt about my dog who is gone. Feeling the after effects of losing the idea that she was the right dog for us. I have never experienced this before and man it sucks. I feel relief because she won’t be able to potentially hurt my child again. I feel pain because I miss her and truely loved her the short time she was with us.
I called the shelter where I took her yesterday. I needed to know what time she was put down. It was 4:15 when I brought her in. I left at 4:30, she was gone by 5:00pm. I asked if they saved her collar, so I could have the tag. No, they didn’t, but I will get her remains at a later date. Wow. The animal control officer said that she was put down pretty quickly after I came in because they didn’t want her to be scared waiting around in the holding area, and for that, I am grateful. I didn’t want her last moments to be full of fear and panic. She was so frightened in the car on the way there. She was shaking and crying in the way that she did when she wanted to be a good girl and not make too much noise, but just enough to let us know she was scared. I held her under her chin and she moved in close to me. I spoke softly to her and told her I was sorry and that I did love her, but I had no choice. I know she didn’t understand.
By the time we got out of the car and in the door, she was a different dog. She was barking, and howling, and out of control. She was tugging and struggling against the leash. I had never seen her react that strongly before. It was a mixture of excitement and fear. Another male officer came and put another leash on her and she peed all over the floor. Still barking and jumping around. I tried to pick her up to comfort her and she wriggled out of my arms. At that moment I knew that our goodbye was said in the car and I didn’t know this dog anymore. He led her away and I filled out the paperwork and paid for her euthenization. I held back as many tears as I could, but they wouldn’t stop. I left there and called my Mom and cried. She was gone. Probably by the time I got home and laid down at 5:00, she was gone.
I dreamt about her all last night. She was running thru the house and I could hear her nails on the wood floors and she made a leap on to the bed and then she ran out of the room. There were two of her. I kept asking if she was really gone. Did they really do it? Then I woke up. Over and over again…I heard her running and then back out again. I hope they don’t happen every night……it is too quiet in the house…no whining, no scratching at her crate. No barking at the door…or sniffing thru the house. Too quiet.
I think the best thing I have done for her was give her our home for a little while and the love we gave her was the best we could do. Goodbye, girl.