The mourning after…

Eyes puffy and swollen, tossed and turned all night. Dreamt about my dog who is gone. Feeling the after effects of losing the idea that she was the right dog for us. I have never experienced this before and man it sucks. I feel relief because she won’t be able to potentially hurt my child again. I feel pain because I miss her and truely loved her the short time she was with us.
I called the shelter where I took her yesterday. I needed to know what time she was put down. It was 4:15 when I brought her in. I left at 4:30, she was gone by 5:00pm. I asked if they saved her collar, so I could have the tag. No, they didn’t, but I will get her remains at a later date. Wow. The animal control officer said that she was put down pretty quickly after I came in because they didn’t want her to be scared waiting around in the holding area, and for that, I am grateful. I didn’t want her last moments to be full of fear and panic. She was so frightened in the car on the way there. She was shaking and crying in the way that she did when she wanted to be a good girl and not make too much noise, but just enough to let us know she was scared. I held her under her chin and she moved in close to me. I spoke softly to her and told her I was sorry and that I did love her, but I had no choice. I know she didn’t understand.
By the time we got out of the car and in the door, she was a different dog. She was barking, and howling, and out of control. She was tugging and struggling against the leash. I had never seen her react that strongly before. It was a mixture of excitement and fear. Another male officer came and put another leash on her and she peed all over the floor. Still barking and jumping around. I tried to pick her up to comfort her and she wriggled out of my arms. At that moment I knew that our goodbye was said in the car and I didn’t know this dog anymore. He led her away and I filled out the paperwork and paid for her euthenization. I held back as many tears as I could, but they wouldn’t stop. I left there and called my Mom and cried. She was gone. Probably by the time I got home and laid down at 5:00, she was gone.
I dreamt about her all last night. She was running thru the house and I could hear her nails on the wood floors and she made a leap on to the bed and then she ran out of the room. There were two of her. I kept asking if she was really gone. Did they really do it? Then I woke up. Over and over again…I heard her running and then back out again. I hope they don’t happen every night……it is too quiet in the house…no whining, no scratching at her crate. No barking at the door…or sniffing thru the house. Too quiet.
I think the best thing I have done for her was give her our home for a little while and the love we gave her was the best we could do. Goodbye, girl.