Well, that’s not entirely true. I do care. I care waaay too much, which is why I tend to go into auto pilot when I am worried about things. Several friends are going through tough times right now and I seem to be carrying their burdens for them. Not because they have asked me to, but because I care so much for them. I care so much and feel helpless for their situations that I go into myself and retreat when I can’t cope.
My Mom worries when I do this and I remembered why I don’t take a stand on most issues. It is mostly because, if I let all those things into the depths of my mind and heart, I would be crippled with emotion and paralyzed to live my everyday life. I came to the self realization that I do that with God too. I retreat into myself and hide when I can’t make sense of it all or the emotion is too much to bear. I become desensitized. Doesn’t everyone do that a some point? If we didn’t to some extent, we wouldn’t be able to cope. At least I don’t think we as a people could.
I remember back to a time my Mom and I were riding in the car together. We were listening to the radio and the DJ talked about some tragic news story where a child was kidnapped or a senseless crime was committed. I asked my Mom why those people were so evil? Why did the world do these horrible things to one another? What made people do bad things? I sat there and it broke my heart and I cried.
I cried for the people who were suffering, I cried for the starving children, I cried for the poor, I cried for the plight of the human race. I was 11. I identified with those that suffered. I too had suffered in my young life and I could empathize with the despair that they felt and the hopelessness for change.
I didn’t know then what I know now. I know now that my hope was waiting for me. God was waiting for me to be at a place where I stopped asking other people why we were the way we are and instead looked to Him for answers. His answer was we are sinners. We are flawed humans who disobeyed God and became unclean. He sent His Son to redeem us and clean away the dirt and muck that covered us and our lives. Jesus came to be the sacrifice that gives us a way out of our despair and loneliness. God gave us a way out of evil.
There is still a place in my heart that I haven’t fully given to God. I think I keep that closed off because there is a part of me that is conditioned to protect my heart from the full force of emotion that comes when I let the true brokenness of the world saturate it. Even though I have accepted the gift of salvation, I realize I haven’t truly given myself 100% over to God.
At our bible study tonight we talked about the Holiness of God and that we forget just how holy He is and how irreverent we have become. I have some work to do. I have some trust issues to get over and fully expose myself to God and see what He wants to do with my sacrifice to Him. I want to experience the full force of His love and acceptance for me. I want to be on fire for God again, like I used to be when I first experienced His grace and mercy for me and how broken I was when He found me. And hey, at least He found me. I could still be living a life of guilt and shame, but now I choose to follow Him and let Him be in charge of my life. I just need to let go of that last little piece I am hanging on to. Good thing I have time left to work on that. What are you hanging on to?
How to make your chin look skinny? Wear a turtleneck and take a picture of yourself with your camera phone at a totally random angle! Works every time!