Dear Cold Virus aka mutant snot producing, head exploding, really yucky thing-
Let me start out by saying that you misunderstood my kind gesture by breathing you in. How was I to know some random germ such as yourself would come and invade my body like an unwelcome thief in the night? How was I to know you would cause my throat to burn and my sinuses to ache? I didn’t! I was ignorantly unaware!
So, let me be blunt.
You SIR, are not WELCOME HERE!
Get out of my nose and throat and get out of my head!
(sounds like a hit song- something about a car and beep beeping) I digress.
Take your insomnia producing mucus and just LEAVE! I tried to defend myself against your persuasive ways with saline spray, tissues, NyQuil, and decongestants. Unfortunately for me, I underestimated the power you have over my body. It’s tired. I haven’t been feeding it right, or treating it with tender loving care and you chose to pray upon my weaknesses. Shame on you, sir! Sir? I should not be calling you sir when you are no gentleman!
You have 48 hours to vacate the property. Don’t make me play hardball here. I can and I will go to the big doc, “Dr. G†and he’ll give me ammunition to take you out. Remember the last time you invaded my territory? I annihilated you with nasal spray and prescription decongestants. This time though, I think you’ve hunkered down and caused major damage, so we’ll have to bring out the weapons of mass destruction: anti-biotics. Oh yes! I said it. Germ killers! I’m not above chemical warfare.
You have been warned. I mean it. GET OUT!!!!
Please?? 
You suck,
