Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Ok, enough is enough.

I open my Firefox browser everyday. The first thing that pops up on  my home page is my blog. For the last 10 months the only 2 posts on there are two of the saddest of my life. The first being in May of 2012 when Dad’s cancer was found in his liver and then after he died around his birthday in January.

I’m tired of being sad.

Yes, I’m still sad. I still cry. I still mourn.

The thing is, I’m still mourning and the rest of the world has moved on. They are living their lives and moving forward. Sometimes it feels like they’re moving forward without me, but that’s because I’m still stuck in the grief. Stuck in the sticky mess of pain and memories. It’s so hard to let those images go when you watch someone die, be it peaceful or otherwise. It’s no less traumatic than if my Dad was shot in front of me. My heart still skips a beat and then aches physically when I remember that day.  That moment his heart stopped beating.

 

I have to move forward. I have to keep walking and lift my feet one step at a time.

 

Thank goodness for anti-depressants. I’m serious. Those nay-sayers can have their opinions about drugs and whatnot, but when you are unable to function and get out of bed because your body and your mind are lost in grief, then they are a miracle.

 

I have so much to say. So much to write.

 

I am committing to writing my blog again. I can’t let myself fall off the face of the earth because I’m sad. I’m too precious to the world for that. I am loved and cared for by more people than I can count and a family who would like to have their Mom and wife back.  I’m a daughter of God who has carried me thru these difficult months and only wants the best for me.

 

I’m not going to be afraid to talk about things here.

I’ve said it before when I first started this blog. This is my safe place. I’m free to talk about my life and what I want people to know. I’m an open book. I need to be able to talk about things that others might have an opinion on and not feel scared to voice mine.

 

I’ll be back. I promise.

 

I want to tell you about why I love olives and preserved lemons. Why I have a bucket full of petrified dog poop in my backyard and why I’ve gone gluten free and I don’t want to talk about it all on Facebook. You’re welcome.

 

So I leave you with two questions:

 

almonds

 

1. Have you had these yet??

2. If not, then HOW COME???!!! They are insanely good!

 

Love and Chocolate Covered Nuts,

 

angies-sig

5 comments
  • Cristen Hixson

    Hey, Angie. So proud of you for sharing. I went through GriefShare last spring, and it was the most amazing, well-spent time. If you want to go, I know Watermark has groups and I’d love to sit with you through it. Changed my life. Love you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/paula.k.odell Paula K Odell

    Beautifully said. I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt you are feeling. Believe me when I say I understand. I know you may not want to hear it, but it gets better day by day. Hold on to the memories, and allow yourself to grieve.

    We love you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/angie.stueve Angie Harms Stueve

    Thanks girls. It’s a hard journey but I’m willing to be made willing to start to heal. One day at a time. Love you both!

  • Debbi Speer

    2 words: DARK. Chocolate. Okay, so just really one word. DARK. Because while some things are better when they’re dark, chocolate is not one of them.

  • Rebecca Rose

    it takes a long time sweety. and just when you think you have a handle on it, something smacks you in the face again. but this blog and the support of everyone that loves you will be the thing that saves you. and you’re right, you ARE precious to the world. and precious to me, too. i love you tootsie roll. ant bee